I preface this post by stating I'm finding it difficult to paint a clear picture of the past 12 years of my life. I have so much to share. I ask that you please embrace the chaos in my writing as it is a reflection of my experience; my inability to catalogue these series of events exposes just how utterly confusing and overwhelming this all has been. Had I known the importance of questions and documentation I would have saved myself years of unpleasant experiences but that's life. Each experience renews our mind, it's quite lovely really. I feel refreshed and empowered each time I reflect on how far I've come.
My introduction briefly stated that I have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. That was a pivotal time in my life, a time where everything changed and my health became the dominant element of my existence. I affectionately refer to this as my ticket down the rabbit hole.
At 17 I remember consistently feeling tired and cold, no matter how little I ate and how often I exercised I could not loose weight or gain muscle. I had numerous visits to my family doctor as I was frequently missing morning class because I could not get out of bed on time. My body felt heavier, it took more effort to complete daily tasks and I was doing everything in my power to increase my energy. I was exercising, eating clean and healthy foods, sleeping (a ton), abstaining from alcohol and drugs.
After testing for iron levels I was told quite convincingly by my doctor this is just a phase, you're a teenager, this is normal. Months went by. I endured lectures from my teachers about attendance, about how being lazy is not going to get me far in life. My friends noticed a change in my behaviour, my best friend K brought to my attention that I was being quite the bitch and right then I knew something had to change; I felt powerless. I continued to gain weight (30 pounds in two months) and could not understand what on earth was going on with my body. I begged God to please help me. I started getting depressed, secluding myself from family\friends and stopped enjoying the things I loved most. Life became overwhelming, I cried a lot. I was told I'm not a child anymore, to control my emotions, but how could I? My body was failing me and nobody seemed to show any concern.
After a candid conversation with my dad he suggested I ask to have my thyroid tested for hypothyroidism. He said that he has been diagnosed and although I don't fall within the typical age range that it is something to rule out. And so I convinced myself to set up one last appointment with my doctor explaining how my life had been impacted and firmly asked for the blood test. My doctor was a little hesitant because of my age but agreed. The test was preformed and I was officially diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I was told that this is a common condition, that it is easily regulated by medication, a prescription was provided and off I went.
Now you have to understand at this time home computers were just becoming standard and my parents fear of cyber crimes were the deciding factor in postponing this purchase. There were no smart phones with google and I was raised with the societal norm to respect and not question the doctor's word. As I understood, this would be as simple and routine as taking my one a day Flintstones vitamin.
After a month or so I did notice a slight change in energy and I began to loose weight but I still had some symptoms:
•I was chronically cold
•My hair and nails were brittle
•I was constantly hungry and unsatisfied after meals and..
•My depression never really corrected itself
After four months I voiced my concerns and was placed on antidepressants. Months after months went by without any improvement, drugs were changed and the symptoms remained constant. I decided that I no longer wanted to experiment with antidepressants because I was unable to truly feel. I had a muted sense of emotion which took away from my quality of life, and I questioned if depression was the right diagnosis. (I have since learned that depression can be a result of an underactive thyroid.)
So after watching a few episodes of Dr. Phil (ridiculous I know) I secretly started researching counselling at school and I felt that that may be a better route to treat depression. I was initially sent to a counsellor at the recommendation of my dad's insurance company, who after our session I firmly believed needed a change in career. After reading my file she told me that I must have been beaten as a child and she had me listen to a tape about an abused princess before I was even able to speak. Let me make this clear I was never beaten and this lady's a quack. I begged not to go back but my mom explained that insurance will only cover certain professionals. I refused and with some pushback I had the opportunity to attend sessions with a few more of their recommendations before I said enough is enough; at 17 I knew that the advice these adults were providing was absolutely insane. In fact I'm confident if I had stuck with some of these characters that I would be worse off. After that experience I truly question the validity of the screening process for these insurance companies. I wanted help so I worked hard at two jobs and paid for my initial sessions with a wonderful lady who was professional and treated me with respect. She explained how therapy can help change the brain and improve my life, that it isn't all about her telling me what to do and that I had the ability to change. It is through her I fell in love with healing through cognitive therapy. I worked hard and things improved.
In terms of physical heath things only got curioser and curioser. My immune system became hyperactive and thus overburdened and ineffective. I was hospitalised numerous times for unknown viruses, I was one of the first to contract swine flu at my university, I had numerous painful episodes with my bladder, at times my vision became blurry with black specs, I contracted weird conditions such as pityriasis (an uncommon skin condition), my asthmas became an ongoing battle, I developed stomach ulcers and my list of allergies became extensive.
This is what I refer to the rabbit hole; take this pill to make you better, and this pill to subtle the side effects. I truly felt like Alice in that the potions were never quite right. And my understanding of this new world was just so confusing. I felt powerless, scared and very alone. You see at this time in my life my dad lived in Afghanistan and my mom had enough on her plate, I chose not to worry either of them until I was provided a solid diagnosis and treatment plan.
I attended appointments with neurologists, allergists, cardiologists, urologists, infectious disease specialists to name a few. I endured countless MRI's, CT scans, ultrasounds, blood tests, urine tests and spinal taps. One doctor told me he believes I have multiple sclerosis, another declared this is just allergies, another said it's my DNA, that I am missing a protein and there is nothing I can do but treat the symptoms and start a regime of zinc supplements. I was barbarously told by an infectious disease specialist that he believed I had bladder cancer. He said that after he reviewed my online medical history that not one of the urine samples came back positive for cultures (meaning I had never had a common bladder infection) and that it was my responsibility to check back with the doctor before I took the antibiotics. I sat there in shock as he shamed me for not taking control of my health. It took all I had not to lash back with harsh words and in doing so I was unable to explain that for over a year I had been searching for a competent doctor, that I had spend hours upon hours researching and calling available physicians but those who were available seem to be incompetent in regards to my body. That I felt overwhelmed by the negative side effects of their mistakes. That I had been hospitalised several times for allergic reactions to antibiotics prescribed, ignoring the list of drug allergies provided on the countless new patient forms I filled out. That my work didn't support my need to take time off to pursue my health because they were short staffed and that I dependent on that income. That finding an employer who supports schedule adjustments is difficult and although the law may be in my favour that it doesn't always prevent discrimination. That I can't afford a law suit every time the law is not followed. That reporting employers generally results in a he said she said and I can't risk being let go. That being young and new to the workforce I have no credibility behind my name regardless of the truth. I was furious, who did this ignorant man think he was? I stewed about how I was going to write him a letter explaining just how fucked up our health care system was and that assholes like him have no business telling me how to live my life. He didn't know me .. but then a flash back of Jerry Springer popped in to my head (which often happens when I fly off the deep end) and I decided to let it go an move along. After all he was partially right, I did have to take my health in my own hands, however a little guidance would have gone a long way.
After a mild melt down I booked an appointment with a urologist and underwent some pretty uncomfortable tests. The results came back, I was relieved to hear that I did not have cancer yet I was concerned that they could not determine what was causing my bladder to become so inflamed. I was placed on a concoction of antibiotics chased with an antihistamine in an attempt to heal the inflammation and prevent an allergic reaction. I have since learned that this treatment has depleted my gut of essential bacteria and the long term use of antihistamines reduced the effectiveness of my thyroid medication and did nothing to improve the state of my bladder. In fact I'm in the process of being tested for leaky gut (intestinal permiability) which could very well have been caused by this overuse of antibiotics. Please note that I firmly believe there is a time and place for drugs, but unfortunately this was not one of those times. I am also very passionate that if antibiotics are prescribed that it should be standard practice to also prescribe a treatment of probiotics; antibiotics rid your body of both harmful and essential strains of bacteria.
From here I have developed debilitating migraines, one in which I almost lost vision in my left eye because my retina was detaching from the pressure. The treatment for migraine has been a prescription for highly addictive narcotics and a referral to the headache clinic. It has been two years and I'm still on the waiting list...
I desperately needed help and conventional medicine was not working so I stepped out of my comfort zone decided to take a leap of faith with something a little more natural. I booked my first appointment with a Naturopath and this doctor told me everything I wanted to hear: this is common and very treatable and I would be healed in less then 6 months. I eagerly bought all the recommended medicine that came in little glass vials and preserved in what I believe to be rubbing alcohol. So for months I followed this painfully disgusting routine of drops of alcohol infused with natural healing several times a day. I accompanied this with spouts of acupuncture, cupping, yoga and meditation (well I sure tried to tame this mind of mine). And at the end of all this I had an empty savings account and over $5000.00 of credit card debt and.. I was still sick and tired.
I quietly gave up, I threw my hands up and said I'm done. I decided I'm just going to have to live with the body I was given. And so I did, I got through the day and crumbled in pain each night. I was numb and uninspired until I fell in love with a man named Nick.
We met through mutual friends. I was dragged out of my house of pity and happen to sit beside him. He asked about me and I said was "complicated", he smiled politely and continued our conversation. I had no intention of dragging him in to my mess but I was intrigued, I mean I said the one thing I knew would send a guy running and he just sat there without reaction and politely smiled. It took some time and a lot of tears before I opened up about my health and without hesitation he built me up with unwavering support. We quickly grew inseparable through sports, through food and through laughter. We then slowly grew apart through insecurities, egos and lack of communication, but there was something about our connection that we decided to work through the mess and build a life together. This man of mine has helped transform all of my failures in to lessons, all of my suffering in to life and all of my limitations in to opportunities. He has taught me to take back my power and I have taught him to be vulnerable. Our synergy is alchemy. Without him I'm afraid that I would still be accepting what I believed to have been my fate. And so I've resumed with my responsibility to heal and just in time, you see in the past few months my body has reached its weakest point and now more then ever I need the strength and resilience to continue.
So, here I am with an underactive thyroid, chronically fatigued, an unhealthy gut and a side of migraines. My symptoms have been confirmed through countless tests as legitimate but there is yet to be a consensus of a diagnosis or a treatment plan. I struggle to communicate to others what I am going through as I'm still in the process of understanding my reality and I really don't expect anyone to understand; I "look" healthy and I don't have a scary name associated with my illness. All this said I am so so thankful. I have a plan, a doctor who specialises in my condition and an abundance of love from family and friends. I can't wait to complete the required testing so I can begin to fully understand my body and start the process of healing.
love you girlie, be brave. xo
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